Yesterday will be big in my caregiving memory. I.B. had asked for a book. She likes intrigue, mysteries...I thought of the Kurt Wallinger books, but wonder if she'd be able to follow them without the ability to sequence. Going through the bookshelf, I pulled Laura Munson's memoir. It's well-written, and each chapter can be enjoyed as its own piece of writing for anyone who appreciates the written word. I.B. and I speak often about relationships, and I brought it over to see if she might read it.
After breakfast, I started breaking down the turkey her daughter had brought over, getting stock ready, and chopping veggies for a soup. I.B. went into the living room, and was very quiet...I peeked around the corner and found her propped up with great posture, reading the book. Hours passed...hours...the house was quiet, peaceful, and we each enjoyed it temendously. When she came into the kitchen for lunch, the book came with her. When she found sentences that were especially powerful (Laura is a powerful writer), she read them out loud to me. This continued until it was time for me to go. I left her at the table, book in hand.
I wonder...when she picks the book up again, will she start at the beginning again, or will she take up where she left off? Her brain seems to be getting stronger...is it just my imagination? I made a sign for her living room that says, "What does it take to get to 90?" Under that is a list: good food, good exercise, good sleep, good lovin'. I think it is working.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
What About Memory?
I.B turns 90 today...or yesterday. The paperwork in 1925 was not the same as her Mother's memory.
And what about memory? I.B.'s dementia is different than Mom's, is different than any other's...I wonder about the frustration level. Is there a point at which they give in a bit...start to let go of hanging on? Start to become OK with the loss, and start to think more in terms of what is in front of them? I wonder if I.B. knows my name. L.D. has been caring for her on weekends for over a year, and every Friday, I tell I.B. that she'll not be alone, that L.D. will be with her....every Friday, she asks who that is. I have no doubt that, come Saturday morning, I.B. hears a familiar voice, and responds with the joy that is in her each morning. Names do not matter anymore. She knows our ENERGY...our personality, our intention to care for her and give her the highest quality of life our individual potential allows us to give. I.B. may have been frustrated at first, maybe for a long time...I've just now come into her life...but she lives now in a state of trust, and in a state of present-moment, and finds quite a bit of joy and contentment there.
Which is not to say that her mind has become simple. M.R. told me when I first started that I.B. engaged on whatever level the people around her expected. That has been the best information she could have given me. Game shows have been replaced by the morning news. She reads the paper to me, and has started asking for novels. This woman has an 8th grade education, and the subjects we discuss get deeper and deeper as our time together goes on. And those subjects may be discussed 5 or 6 times in one day. Sleep seems to wipe the slate clean, but until a nap or bedtime, we may have the same conversation over and over again...it is a great opportunity for me to change the jist of the subject slightly each time, to see how many more layers we can explore. Added into the mix might be irony, sarcasm, humor, complex sentence structure, etc. She gets it all....for the present moment. 5 minutes later, it is all gone....but that stopped mattering to me after the first week. We live in the present moment together 5-6 hours a day. What a great gift for me, who always likes to PLAN this and PLAN that...plan A, plan B, endlessly.
For me, it seems that to be able to let go of the fight to keep my memory would rely on my feeling of safety. If the people I trust tell me not to go into the garage, I have to assume the garage is not safe for me. The reasons no longer matter....the curiosity for that went away a while ago...I just do what I'm told.
What does it take to get to that point? Just do as you're told, and trust that everyone around you is acting well on your behalf. Wow, the trust factor is HUGE there. But if you can get there, let go of that fight, maybe those around you can help you concentrate on something a bit more engaging...let go of what no longer is on your scope, but really take a good bite out of the scope that is in front of you.
And it is that SCOPE that is my job to nurture. If her scope bores her, she will have less and less to look forward to. As long as she can have discussions, I need to keep her engaged. And her mental capabilities are stronger when she eats well, exercises, and gets plenty of sleep. I see how it all goes hand in hand, how a routine that involves healthy habits and mental connection can keep her in this world and keep a smile on her face. It is a goal of mine to get her back into the kitchen, where she used to shine. One of the exercises I've set for her takes place in the kitchen, just before dinner, so she can see and taste what I'm cooking. By Summer, I'd love to have her strong enough to stand in the kitchen with me and cook for a bit.
I've been with I.B. for one month now. She has dealt with her son moving away, and one of her beloved dogs dying. Both took their toll on her, and both have drifted into the background. She deals with things directly and fully. The whole-body greiving for Tucker was immense and deep. But the last two weeks have been steady and we have had a chance to find a good routine to the day that enhances her health, and she is responding with fabulous FBS numbers and more of a willingness to stretch and do strengthening exercises. Her mind seems to be responding, too. Asking for novels was huge the other day....she wants something MORE than the piles of magazines that surround her. She still has teeth to sink into things. I speak often of day trips this Spring...picnics by the lake, drives into the mountains. Every time we do ROM on her ankles, I remind her that the grass from the road to the picnic table is uneven, and ROM will help her ankles and feet to maneuver the path. On Tuesday, she won't know that we discussed this same thing on Monday...but the Tuesday talk will get her thinking about Spring, about the hope of touching into the nature that is Montana, about stepping out, broadening that scope even more. And it will get her moving with a sense of hope.
And what about memory? I.B.'s dementia is different than Mom's, is different than any other's...I wonder about the frustration level. Is there a point at which they give in a bit...start to let go of hanging on? Start to become OK with the loss, and start to think more in terms of what is in front of them? I wonder if I.B. knows my name. L.D. has been caring for her on weekends for over a year, and every Friday, I tell I.B. that she'll not be alone, that L.D. will be with her....every Friday, she asks who that is. I have no doubt that, come Saturday morning, I.B. hears a familiar voice, and responds with the joy that is in her each morning. Names do not matter anymore. She knows our ENERGY...our personality, our intention to care for her and give her the highest quality of life our individual potential allows us to give. I.B. may have been frustrated at first, maybe for a long time...I've just now come into her life...but she lives now in a state of trust, and in a state of present-moment, and finds quite a bit of joy and contentment there.
Which is not to say that her mind has become simple. M.R. told me when I first started that I.B. engaged on whatever level the people around her expected. That has been the best information she could have given me. Game shows have been replaced by the morning news. She reads the paper to me, and has started asking for novels. This woman has an 8th grade education, and the subjects we discuss get deeper and deeper as our time together goes on. And those subjects may be discussed 5 or 6 times in one day. Sleep seems to wipe the slate clean, but until a nap or bedtime, we may have the same conversation over and over again...it is a great opportunity for me to change the jist of the subject slightly each time, to see how many more layers we can explore. Added into the mix might be irony, sarcasm, humor, complex sentence structure, etc. She gets it all....for the present moment. 5 minutes later, it is all gone....but that stopped mattering to me after the first week. We live in the present moment together 5-6 hours a day. What a great gift for me, who always likes to PLAN this and PLAN that...plan A, plan B, endlessly.
For me, it seems that to be able to let go of the fight to keep my memory would rely on my feeling of safety. If the people I trust tell me not to go into the garage, I have to assume the garage is not safe for me. The reasons no longer matter....the curiosity for that went away a while ago...I just do what I'm told.
What does it take to get to that point? Just do as you're told, and trust that everyone around you is acting well on your behalf. Wow, the trust factor is HUGE there. But if you can get there, let go of that fight, maybe those around you can help you concentrate on something a bit more engaging...let go of what no longer is on your scope, but really take a good bite out of the scope that is in front of you.
And it is that SCOPE that is my job to nurture. If her scope bores her, she will have less and less to look forward to. As long as she can have discussions, I need to keep her engaged. And her mental capabilities are stronger when she eats well, exercises, and gets plenty of sleep. I see how it all goes hand in hand, how a routine that involves healthy habits and mental connection can keep her in this world and keep a smile on her face. It is a goal of mine to get her back into the kitchen, where she used to shine. One of the exercises I've set for her takes place in the kitchen, just before dinner, so she can see and taste what I'm cooking. By Summer, I'd love to have her strong enough to stand in the kitchen with me and cook for a bit.
I've been with I.B. for one month now. She has dealt with her son moving away, and one of her beloved dogs dying. Both took their toll on her, and both have drifted into the background. She deals with things directly and fully. The whole-body greiving for Tucker was immense and deep. But the last two weeks have been steady and we have had a chance to find a good routine to the day that enhances her health, and she is responding with fabulous FBS numbers and more of a willingness to stretch and do strengthening exercises. Her mind seems to be responding, too. Asking for novels was huge the other day....she wants something MORE than the piles of magazines that surround her. She still has teeth to sink into things. I speak often of day trips this Spring...picnics by the lake, drives into the mountains. Every time we do ROM on her ankles, I remind her that the grass from the road to the picnic table is uneven, and ROM will help her ankles and feet to maneuver the path. On Tuesday, she won't know that we discussed this same thing on Monday...but the Tuesday talk will get her thinking about Spring, about the hope of touching into the nature that is Montana, about stepping out, broadening that scope even more. And it will get her moving with a sense of hope.
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